What’s a Meltdown?

Decades ago before we had children, I had no idea what a meltdown was. After taking a parenting class, I said to my husband, “Meltdowns, whatever they are, won’t happen to us because we’ll be good parents.”  LOL!  Wrong. Meltdowns are due to nervous system overload.

Most people know what a tantrum is, something children do when they don’t get their way. Meltdown is a term used for a child at any age who has become completely emotionally dysregulated sometimes seemingly out of the blue. If you parent an ADHD or autistic child, you know exactly what I mean. I know the frustration when your child is screaming and Aunt Marge says, “Just spank him!” or “Put him in his room and lock the door.”  Unsolicited advice from someone who doesn’t understand special needs kids rarely works. In fact, it makes it worse.

Meltdowns are the Toughest Part of Parenting

Your child is raging because you packed the wrong snack or put his fork on the wrong side of his plate, or maybe he is just overstimulated when you pick him up from school and he melts down after you say, “Hello.”  

I’ve been there. It’s easy for parents to get into a downward spiral and start blaming themselves feeling the strong weight of condemnation. Or maybe you’re tired and you yell back at this unreasonably demanding urchin. Worse is trying to reason with him, which is like trying to reason with Uncle Fred who just finished off his Jim Beam bottle.

Most Important Thing to Do for a Meltdown is Simple, but Not Easy.

Stay silent and reduce the stimulation you can control, such as turning off the loud music, TV or podcast and then… take a deep breath. If you focus on your breathing, taking several slow, deep breaths, you trick your brain into staying calm. How does this trick help your ranting child?

Evidence Based Science

Just breathing? Sounds crazy! No. Breathwork is not magic or some eastern hokey pokey thing. This is based on science. Dr. Stephen Porges, a neuroscientist, created the polyvagal theory (Porges, 2025). Without getting too technical, understand that the brain has something called “mirror neurons.” What this means is your emotional state will affect your child’s feeling world.

The next time your daughter or son is upset because the milk was spilt, take a few deep breaths. Watch how your heart rate decreases, and you feel in control. Observe how your calmness will eventually calm your child.

You don’t have to rattle off mantras in a foreign language or text an exorcist to get your child to emotionally regulate—just breathe. Before cleaning up the mess or trying to talk your h-angry child into eating protein, first calm yourself by taking deep breaths.

Connect Before You Correct

Though calming yourself as the child’s caregiver is the most important first step, there are other practical steps you can take to move your child from fire alarm to sweet cherub. Check out Dr. Liz Angoff’s Build your Brain site for more info.

• Get down to their level physically. Sit on the ground or kneel putting your face at the level of their face.

• Be curious. Sometimes speaking only increases the burden of overstimulation, but if you think words will help, make sure they come from a place of curiosity.

• Validate their emotion. No matter how irrational it may seem to you, gently identifying what they feel at the moment, without judging, can help calm them. If you can name it, you can tame it!

• Do not immediately correct. Wait another hour or even until the next day if correction is needed. The lesson will only be learned if they are ready to receive it.

• Do not catastrophize. Just because Johnny punched a hole in the wall because you took away his phone, does not mean he will end up in jail. Watch your thoughts. Thoughts are powerful things.

Get Support

If you find yourself imagining the worse possible scenario and it’s hard to control your thoughts which end up making you feel terrible, I can help. Sometimes we can’t see the forest through the trees and a caring person who has been there is what we need to stand and face life’s challenges with a sense of victory wrapped in love.

Enduring meltdowns are tough challenges, but your self-care will enable you to take those deep breaths and stay strong. Enlisting a Parent Coach is an effective and enduring way to care for yourself and be the best parent you can be.

Text 719-377-2230 with questions, comments or to schedule a FREE 15-minute session.

cartercompassionatecare@gmail.com

References

Angoff, L. (n.d.). Build your brain! Retrieved March 11, 2026, from https://drlizangoff.com/build-your-brain/

Porges, S. W. (2025). Polyvagal theory: Current status, clinical applications, and future directions. Clinical Neuropsychiatry, 22(3), 169. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12302812/#sec58